Millennials:The Blame Game

Most of the patient population in my practice are millennials. There are varying opinions on the age of this group, but for my purposes, I go with 40 and under. It seems like all I hear about these days is that this group, these people, have ruined EVERYTHING, and frankly, I’m sick of it. Listen, the older generation blaming problems on the younger generation is certainly not new; it’s always been that way. But for some reason, millennials are taking a far bigger rap for the problems in the world today than any other generation has in the past. They should be called the “Scapegoat Generation.” Sure, millennials have different priorities, values, and goals than their parents’ generation. No argument there. In general, they value healthy eating habits, spending their money on experiences rather than on physical possessions, and working their butts off to pay down their astronomical student loan debt. And of course, you have to remember that they grew up with the internet, the world at their fingertips. Contrast that with the older generation that had to go to a libraryand check out actual books. And the older generation had to actually drive to a store to buy things, but millennials just order it and it shows up on their doorstop two days later. So the older generation thinks millennials have it too easy. But au contraire, they have to suffer the consequences for the actions of previous generations and take the blame for ruining everything to boot. It drives me so crazy that I just have to talk about it. So below I want to go through some of the things that millennials are blamed for annihilating, some of which are absolutely patently ridiculous. But that’s just my opinion. Read on and decide for yourself.

Restaurant Chain Gangs
Dummy’s Yummies, Fooligan’s, Thank God It’s Fattie’s, yada yada. “Casual dining” restaurants are losing business and having to close stores left and right because those damn millennials don’t want to eat the high cal, high fat, high cholesterol foods that have been expanding waistlines for years. To the “All you can eat all fried everything appetizer!!” they say no. They much prefer to cook healthy and at home so that they actually know what’s in their food. Shame on you, millennials!

Lucy in the Sky With(out) Diamonds 
Remember the De Beers’ ad from years ago that said a reasonable guideline to spend on an engagement ring was six month’s salary?! That might have flown then, but times have changed. Shockingly, De Beers now reports that diamond sales have been steadily dropping, from 32% in 1990 to 27% in 2015, and that sales continue to follow this downward trend. Why? Well, the obvious reason is money money money. Millennials are having a hard enough time making ends meet without adding pricey ice to their already tight budget. A less obvious reason that they’re not buying diamonds is an ethical one…they’re actually concerned with how and where diamonds are mined. It’s very popular now to choose a non-diamond gemstone for engagement ring bling. Silly millennials…thinking independently.

Tears for (Crappy) Beers
Bud, Coors, Natty Light…millennials don’t care for the cheapo pee water that passed for beer that their parents and grandparents drank by the gallon. Instead, they prefer unique craft beers, the smaller the batch the better. They enjoy beer flights with lagers and IPAs that actually taste like something. Expanding your horizons and daring to break beer tradition…bad millennials!  

Bar Soap is Bad Soap?
No, I’m not kidding. Millennials are destroying the bar soap industry. Marketwatch surveys reports that millennials think bar soap is “gross,” and that they prefer to wash up with liquid soap instead. Their statement of findings said, “Almost half (48%) of all U.S. consumers believe bar soaps are covered in germs after use, a feeling that is particularly strong among consumers aged 18-24 (60%), as opposed to just 31% of older consumers aged 65+.”
So nearly twice as many millennials are grossed out by germy bar soap than old people. Pesky millennials, preferring not to wash your hands with germy, gunky, dirty old bars of soap.

Endangered Species: Paper Napkins
These cheap millennials are even killing paper napkins. How do they carry out this dastardly deed? They buy paper towels! And get this…they not only use them for their intended use, they also use them as napkins! Oh, the horror! And why, why, why would they do this?!?! They say it’s because “it’s just one less thing to buy,” but I’m sure it’s a grand conspiracy. 

Boxed Cereal
Seriously? Paper napkins yesterday, boxed cereal today. It’s a very slippery slope, people! What is the world coming to? Evidently, cereal sales have fallen almost 30% in recent years, and it’s all the millennials’ faults. Reports state that “Almost 40 percent of millennials surveyed said cereal was an inconvenient breakfast choice because they had to clean up after eating it.” I assume this clean up involves washing a bowl and a spoon. Painful though it is, I have to side with the old folks on this one….40% of you are lazy millennials!

No “Fore!” Play
Millennials don’t play “the sport of kings,” aka golf, nor do they watch it on TV or waste time thinking about hitting a little white ball into a hole with a metal stick. A very expensive metal stick. They also don’t have respect for the people that hit that little white ball for a living…a very lucrative living. It makes no sense to them. Their apathy is real and ever-growing, so much so that fans of the sport fear that within the next 52 years, millennials will succeed in finally killing golf, making it (poof!) disappear entirely. Don’t ask me how they figured exactly 52 years…I have no clue.

Workin’ 9 to 5…Not the Way to Make a Livin’?
The days of clocking in at 9 AM and out at 5 PM are long gone, but not because millennials are lazy. In fact, thanks to technology, millennials are changing the way the American work force gets stuff done. With technology, they’re working from home more and demanding more work flexibility from employers. Instead of being unreachable and shutting the computer down at the end of the day, employees are never out of touch. That’s great for employers, but not so much for millennial employees. No fun when your boss interupts your binge-watch.

Vacay…Yay or Nay?
Speaking of always working….Travel & Leisure has decided that millennials have destroyed the American vacation, not because they’re poor or lazy as some believe, but because they’re obsessed with work! They say that work pressure and an always-on attitude have increasingly caused many Americans to abandon their vacation days. In 2015, it’s estimated that 55% of working Americans didn’t use all of their vacation days, leaving behind 658 million days of unused PTO on the table. Silly millennials…take your PTO!!!

Movie Madness
You only need one word when it comes to how millennials and their evil technology have destroyed movie theaters…Netflix! Since its advent, the movie industry has been flailing, struggling to justify their own existence. Why spend $12 to sit shoulder to shoulder with loud, popcorn-munching strangers in a crowded, sticky-floored theater when you can Netflix and chill at home in your pajamas? The answer? You wouldn’t! Now who thinks like a millennial? 

Super-Duper Home Improvement Stores
We’ve established that millennials are generally broke. If they aren’t living with mom and dad, most of them rent, meaning they don’t own a home. So they have no use for a home improvement store to buy a bunch of stuff to improve a home they don’t have. As a result, millennials are apparently killing Lowe’s and Home Depot, both of which have reported a huge dip in sales. Naturally, that’s all your fault, millennials!!

Family Ties (That Bind)

Millennials are being blamed for destroying the very fabric of society by choosing not to have children. Why? Kids are freaking expensive, potentially putting them in an 18-plus year financial bind. And we’ve established that millennials are mostly broke, struggling with little pay and humongous educational debt. As established above, most don’t own a home with a big backyard and white picket fence. Many work multiple jobs in a gig economy, (which is also their fault) so they don’t have a lot of the time it takes to raise a small human. And many of them don’t see the brightest future when it comes to finance, government leadership, and the environment. And why would they? They went to college with the surety of graduating to find a fabulous job with amazing benefits and instead graduated to the worst economical slump since the great depression of the 40’s, no jobs, dying oceans, drought, family farms closing, and no bright promise on the horizon. Jaded millennials…but I ask, why shouldn’t they be?  

Football?!?!
Millennials are killing football now too?! Looking into this, I see that it’s not so much that millennials don’t like football; it’s more that they don’t want their kids playing the sport. That’s if they even dare to have kids, a topic which I explored above. There is far more information about the danger of football today. Previous generations smacked their kids on the ass and sent ‘em out to the field and cheered as they tackled the other team’s players. Today we understand the cumulative damage of repetetive concussions, and not surprisingly, many parents are prohibiting their kids from playing tackle football. Eventually, this will lead to a dearth in potential professional football stars hired by the NFL, and that will equate to a lot of unhappy people in the fall and January of every year. Apparently millennials are staunchly against repetitive concussive brain injuries in their children. Go figure.

The American Dream…A Nightmare?
Damn it, millennials! Stop the madness! Now you’re killing off the American Dream? How could you…It’s been around for so long!! I’ve told you that millennials are poor, but let’s get specific. Studies have shown that millennials earn 20% less than their parents did at their ages, and they only own half the total assets as the Baby Boomers did at their age. Financial forecasts show that the idea of buying a home is now way out of reach for most young people today. They’re graduating from college with huge amounts of debt, they’re working longer hours than any previous generation, and they’re getting paid less than their parents made…so much for the American Dream. But somehow, the downfall of that American Dream is their fault. Hmmm…

What have we learned about millennials today? What are the takeaways? 

Millennials are:
– Smart and adaptive
– Hardworking but poor
– Debt-ridden with college loans
– Health-conscious
– Hooked on technology
– Clearly ruining everything!

I cover more in a full chapter about millenials in my book Tales from the Couch, which is available on Amazon.com.