Whatever happened to dating? I’m part of a lot of talk on this particular topic. Day in and day out, patients tell me about their trials and tribulations in the dating world, and the dialog has definitely changed over the years. So, as an unofficial-official expert, I want to talk about dating. There are discrepancies as to who hit on the idea first, but computer-assisted dating sites came into play as personal computers gained popularity in homes everywhere. Remember the Tom Hanks movie You’ve Got Mail? That romanticized the idea of online dating and spawned sites like Match in the early 2000’s. The advent of Facebook kept people checking for “friends” as a hobby, linking people all over creation. However and whomever launched what doesn’t matter much anymore, dating sites and dating apps are here to stay. The list goes on and on and on, and now sites and apps are getting more specific. They target groups: SilverSingles, OurTime, JDate, BlackPeopleMeet, and Farmers Match…if you can be grouped into a subset, you will be. So what’s the impact of dating sites and apps? They’ve changed the game. If you listen to your grandparents tell their love story, it often includes a meeting of eyes, maybe across a crowded bar or restaurant, hence love at ‘first sight.” Now, if you manage to find love, it may be more like at “first site” or “first swipe.”
Whole movies are made of dating in the modern world. The process of meeting someone has now moved away from social contact, which is sort of oxymoronic in the age of ‘social’ media. The old rules don’t apply anymore. It used to be that to get a date, you got all gussied up to go out and attract a date. Now you can sit home on your couch in your boxers or fat pants and dangle an electronic lure to attract someone. Sadly, romance is now largely a thing of the past, replaced by an electronic algorithm. You have to be a wordsmith to get a date, not a romantic. Pickup lines aren’t spontaneous. Now someone trolling an app for a date can use a line that it took them a month to come up with, and they can use it over and over until the payoff, the date. Social media can also be very manipulative as well. When my patients tell me about failed dates arranged through social media, one of the most popular reasons they give me is that the person didn’t look like their picture. Blah blah blah… I hear that ALL the time. My only reply is usually “Duh!!! It took that guy / girl three hours to take that picture!” I marvel at how they’re shocked by not getting what they were expecting! And these sites and apps are too easy. Going out to attract a date used to require a little effort and forthought. Where am I going? What should I wear? How’s my hair? Is my breath okay? On sites and apps, it doesn’t matter. They’re a numbers game. Send a line out to enough people and you’re bound to hit on a date at some point. And what happens on that date? Social media has stripped away the art of conversation. It’s been reduced to memes, a series of easily textable phrases and lines. Those aren’t conducive toward building the foundation of a relationship. And there can be a darker side to the use of these sites and apps. Some people believe that participation on these dating sites and apps is essentially implied consent or positive acceptance of sexual advances. If you met someone In the real world, not all advances are welcome. The same is true with participation on an app or site. But the flip side of that coin are the apps where advanves are welcome. There are an increasing number of mobile apps that will let you know when a person of like mind is in the vicinity. Of like mind on these apps usually means down to hook up, which has inherant risks in and of itself. These transactional apps seeking sexual relations really take the human touch out of the whole equation. They’re all about the easy hookup, people as commodities. Phone on, date out. Social media has really changed the idea of participating with one’s community. Now you see young people with no interests beyond their phones. What’s going on in their electronic world takes precedent over what’s happening right in front of them. I discuss this at length in my book, Tales from the Couch. People miss so much of what’s going on around them because they’re buried in their phones. Human interaction goes by the wayside. Another consequence of social media is the downfall of commitment. With more relationships being non-committal, I’ve seen marriage rates among my patients go down. When I ask people about that, they essentially tell me that they’re not into commitment because why should they be? Why settle down and buy one cow when you can have all the milk from all the cows on the internet for free?
Some of these issues can be troubling. I especially wonder what happens to the people who don’t have profiles posted everywhere, who don’t want to swipe right or left to get dates and find companionship. Are they doomed to forever be single? Will they miss out on their happily ever after? Maybe.They may need to bite the bullet and throw a line into the electronic world of dating. For all it’s foibles and downfalls, social media doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. Good, bad, or indifferent, that’s dating today. For more on the world of social media, check out my book Tales from the Couch, available on Amazon.com.
I’ve been a psychiatrist in Palm Beach, Florida for the past 30 plus years. Being that Palm Beach is all about beautiful people and seeing and being seen, I have a constant stream of patients worrying about their their image. Botox, fillers, face lifts, tummy tucks…the list goes on and on, but there’s only so much a plastic surgeon can do, especially when it comes to the appearance of the body. Obese patients can have a lap band or gastric bypass to lose a lot of weight, but not everyone requires such drastic measures. A lot of patients complain of being just a little heavy, a little out of shape, and they come to me asking what they can do to lose some weight and get in better shape. The first thing I do is ask them about alcohol intake and smoking habits, and how much they indulge in these activities. Then in order to get an idea of how physically fit they are- or aren’t- I ask them to tell me their activities of a single weekday, from the time they wake up to the time they go to bed. What I typically hear is that they get up, shower, go to work (often skipping breakfast), eat something quick for lunch at work, go home from work, make dinner, eat, and relax in front of the television until they fall asleep. Most never include any physical activity.
I then educate them in terms of diet and physical activity. I explain that while a minimum of 30 minutes a day is ideal, even spending 15 minutes a day exercising is beneficial. I’m generally concerned with three areas: stretching, cardio, and strength/resistance training. Stretching really should be done each and every day prior to exercising to improve flexibility and decrease the chances of hurting yourself. Cardio and strength training are also important to your workout regimen if you want a fit, lean body. These can be done on alternating days. 30 minutes of cardio increases your heart rate and pulmonary capacity, building endurance. Strength training using weights builds muscles and definition. Along with a healthy diet, all of these things are key components of a fit body and healthy lifestyle.
But don’t think that you need a gym membership to start down this road. I always tell patients to start at home. Why? There are always persuasive excuses that win the “going to the gym” battle: too far away, too nice out, too cold, too tired and so on. Working out at home makes it easier to incorporate a workout into your daily routine. It makes excuses to not work out much harder to find. It’s really only upside: the commute time to the extra bedroom only lasts 14 seconds, you can blare whatever music you want, you can watch last night’s show on Netflix, and you don’t have to wear those rubber shower shoes for your post-workout shower. Bonus!
So what kind of a workout can you get at home? If you’re intereated in fancy toys, you can buy the latest state of the art exercise machine. If you use it, it’s a great workout, but it seems to me that it ends up being a very expensive clothes hanger. What can you do without any of that. The answer: everything you need to. There are even exercise programs on demand from most cable companies. These are great if you need more guidance to work out at home. But when you get down to the basics, you can still get a good workout at home with little or no gym equipment. I suggest that after stretching, go for cadio; try running in place and jumping jacks to increase your heart rate. Then do some floor exercises like squats, pushups and situps. These are erecises that strengthen your core and define muscles. I’ve found that those stretch bands are great to incorporate into floor exercises. Tou can pick them up on Amazon. While there, check out my book, Tales from the Couch. It’s a great read, and full of interesting and educational patient stories I’ve gathered in my 30 year career.
We all know that exercise is beneficial, but in case you need extra motivation, I want to discuss a few of the benefits of exercise.
Heart health: The heart is a muscle like any other. Cardio strengthens the heart and helps protect against heart related illness. By getting your heart pumping at a faster rate on a regular basis, you’ll keep it healthy and in shape.
Good vibes: Workouts release positive endorphins. These “feel good” hormones have considerable impact on your overall health. They help alleviate the symptoms of depression and fatigue as well as releasing hormones that will suppress your appetite. These stress-relief hormones can be extremely beneficial to your overall outlook on life, simply because of the positive effect these hormones have on the system.
Better sleep: Half of the world’s population suffers from some sort of sleep disorder. A study published by The National Sleep Foundation found that individuals who performed cardio exercises at least 3 times a week fell asleep 54% faster and slept 37% longer than individuals who did not. Most of us know the importance of getting enough sleep at night. It’s iimportant for productivity, mood, and overall health. So getting your sweat on during the day should make for a much easier lights out.
Metabolic boost: Not only does cardio speed up your heart rate, but it also increases the rate of different processes throughout the body…your metabolism being one. The more intense your cardio session is, the more noticeable increase you’ll see in your metabolic rate. An increased metabolism also means an easier time maintaining your weight or losing weight.
In general, people who exercise regularly are more mindful of their health and their bodies. They tend to smoke and drink less and to live longer, more functional lives.
I subscribe to the KISS method when starting out a new exercise program. Keep it Simple Stupid. Don’t think that a boot camp type workout is a good place to start. You’ll just end up pulling something and hurting yourself, and that will set you way back. The number one rule in exercising is not to get hurt. KISS would be the number two rule. If you break the number one rule, then see number two.
So if you want to get in better shape or to lose a few pounds, start a little program at home. Start slowly and take baby steps and you’ll surely see a return on your physical investment.
January 6, 2018 THE RIGHT APPROACH TO THE OPIOD CRISIS
As a practicing doctor with certification in psychiatry and having worked in Palm Beach County for the past 25 years, my views on the current opioid epidemic are the result of my daily contact with addicts, their families, the medical community, law enforcement and the judicial system. My work has taken me from the E.R. to the inpatient treatment centers and rehabs to the courts to our psychiatric hospitals and to our coroners offices. I have watched this epidemic from its earliest stages to its current existential threat status. As a result I have come to the following conclusions about this tragic situation our community and communities across the country find themselves faced with. WE MUST CHANGE THE WAY WE THINK ABOUT THIS AND TREAT THIS PLAGUE.
1.) Move away from the concept of a war on drugs. Move towards providing an aid package for these vulnerable and impaired individuals.
2.) Move away from concepts of criminalization, imprisonment, and that they are deserving of severe punishment. Move towards treatment and therapeutic interventions. View individuals with OUD as impaired and of need of help.
3.) The concept of opiate-dependent individuals as merely addicts that are weak, self-indulgent, hedonistic, and who are scorned by all is not helpful in resolving this national issue. There certainly is a volitional component to this illness. While personal responsibility and accountability is the only path to a healthy life, opiate-dependent individuals need a support system and tools to help get them on that path. Individuals suffering from OUD hate themselves, the behaviors in which they engage, and the resulting consequences. People with OUD are reckless with their lives because they feel their lives have little or no value. The mind-set of the opiate-dependent individual is one in which it doesn’t matter if they live or die. These vulnerable individuals are also prone to abuse and exploitation.
4.) Society must track these individuals and intervene when necessary.
5.) Society as a whole must be educated about opiates and all aspects of drug dependency, starting in grade school. Opiates come in pill form, patches, lollipops, and can be snorted and inhaled. Drug dependency can begin after one dose. Five days of continued use of opiates can result in drug dependency. Individuals who are genetically predisposed to dependency are more affected.
Like many drugs, over time the same amount of opiates has less and less affect which results in individuals increasing the drug dose and decreasing time between doses. This is the concept of drug tolerance. People spend more time getting the drug and doing the drug, and it becomes a vicious cycle. OUD individuals start to live a life of lies to cover their drug use. They spend a majority of their time planning to get money and make time to use drugs. They become psychologically consumed by thoughts of procuring opiates, using opiates, and disregarding everything else, including family, friends, job, health, and finances. All that matters to them now is getting high. When in withdrawal, these individuals can become very desperate and dangerous. They will go to great lengths to get high.
What can we do in terms of how society should deal with the problem? When treating an OUD patient, both incentives and consequences need to be geared towards keeping them off the drug of abuse. These five areas are conceptual changes needed towards resolving the national opiate use crisis and treating patients with Opiate Use Disorder:
1.) There needs to be a massive education campaign similar to the education campaign against tobacco including the danger of opiates and treatment options for OUD individuals. Explain the dangers of opiates, what opiates are, how they affect our brains, and, importantly, how easily it is to become dependent. The potential of overdose and death needs to be underscored. For example, the opiate called fentanyl, in amounts barely visible to the human eye, can cause individuals to stop breathing. Fentanyl is measured in micrograms. There are 100 milligrams in a gram. There are 1000 micrograms in a milligram. There are 100,000 micrograms in a gram. Two hundred micrograms or maybe less is lethal, which hardly covers the tip of a needle.
2.) The streets must be flooded with Narcan inhalers. One to three sprays in a nostril can revive an opiate overdose.
3.) The streets must be flooded with test kits to determine what is in the drugs and how much is in them. People make better decisions when they know what is in the drug they are taking. For example, if someone makes a street purchase of a drug with fentanyl or methadone in it, they need to be extra careful because those drugs can easily kill you. Methadone is dangerous not only because it is so potent but because it lasts so long. There is an even more dangerous drug on the street called carfentanyl which is 100 times more potent than fentanyl! Note: methadone has been useful in the treatment of OUD, however, it is so dangerous that the dose must be given out on a daily basis. While methadone blocks cravings, it provides a high so can still be abused and lead to an overdose. Buprenorphine is another drug used in treating OUD, and it has been found to be safe enough to prescribe on a monthly basis. The negatives and stigma associated with methadone should not be associated with buprenorphine.
4.) Laws need to be changed. Instead of charging people with accessory to murder when a friend overdoses and dies, give them immunity. Give complete immunity to people in the presence of someone who overdoses if they call 911 during the overdose. Encourage people to call 911 and save lives, not run and hide fearing prosecution.
5.) The court system for individuals with OUD must change. Once in the system, these individuals must be tracked with drug testing and given treatment when needed. Criminal records for possession or use can be wiped away if the individual stays sober. Incarceration should be a last resort. Charging people with felonies for drug possession scars people for life. Once labeled a felon, re-entering society becomes very difficult. OUD individuals are not sociopaths or criminals, they are ill with a disease. Treat the illness and there are no criminal problems.
This perspective demands basic changes in our societal and individual thinking about opioid dependency. Equally as important is the way the established medical community regards and treats this diagnosis and it is just that….a medical condition.
I have many thoughts for my peers and given the opportunity, I would welcome the chance to share them.
No matter what our circumstances in life, we are all touched by this epidemic in some way. We all have skin in this game. Time is precious, costly and limited. Soon may become later and it is already too late to wait.
More comprehensive explanations about how to deal with addictions in my book Tales From The Couch on amazon.com
Mark Agresti, M.D.Learn More