Covid Comedy

This week, I could write a blog on the psychosocial ramifications of long term isolation, or the effects of fear of contracting coronavirus on people with anxiety disorder, or tips on how to ride this pandemic out. I could do any and all of that, but to be honest, I’m over it. I’m burned out, people. So, this week, the goal for this blog is not to educate you, not to give you tips about taking care of yourself during these trying times, not to regurgitate stuff you’ve heard before. Nay, people. The goal of this week’s blog is a simple one…to make you laugh. That’s it. I just want to make you laugh. But first, I want to say that I mean no disrespect by making light of a very heavy situation, a virus that has claimed many lives. 

Coronavirus itself is no joke, it is serious and even deadly business. What is funny however, is some of the madness going on in the world because of the coronavirus: the toilet paper hoarding, the stockpiling of groceries, and don’t forget the new “Coronavirus Challenge,” where people lick toilet seats. Ewww!! Anyway, I combed the internet and social media for funnies, and even made up some jokes that are all my own. So this week, it’s all about…

Covid Comedy

We’re more than three weeks into the corona isolation, the coronalation. Some folks are under quarantine, the coronatine. Coronalation, coronatine, potato, patato…whatever you want to call it, clearly Mother Nature has put us all on restriction and sent us to our rooms for being buttheads and always destroying her fine work.

Four weeks ago, the most misspelled Google search was “corn and teen.” It was then that I started to slowly lose faith in humanity. Who knew it was that hard to spell Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E? Well, apparently it is. Although covid-19 is nothing to joke about, I can’t help but chuckle at some of the hilarious mishaps and behaviors we’re seeing during the country’s “quarantine.” I use that term lightly because some Americans are just not having it. They refuse to bow down to the coronavirus, to allow it to change their lives or make them modify their behaviors, so I call them ‘The Covid Cowboys,’ because these people are pretty reckless. For the rest that do quarantine or isolate, it’s pretty evident that spending a majority of the day indoors can make them do some crazy-funny stuff. Right now, it’s good to laugh on the rare occasions that things tickle your funny bone. For eons, people have used laughter to help deal with bad situations, and it’s really a healthy response, especially in the situation we find ourselves in now.

Remember that different places around the globe had/ have different ways of dealing with this virus…I’m talking about marshall law here people. A lot of countries weren’t quite so polite as our good ole US of A. Our leaders merely “strongly suggested” that we shelter in place or isolate. In some countries, you were locked into your home or apartment building, not permitted to leave for any reason, not even to walk your dog. In all of China, but especially in Wuhan Province where this pandemic started, it was total lockdown. There was no running down to the corner store to get food; if you didn’t have food, you went hungry. People who disobeyed the lockdown order were forcefully dragged off, literally kicking and screaming, and some of them haven’t been seen since. But no matter what patch of green on the globe that you call home, isolation + stress + lack of sleep = temporary insanity!  

Evidently, Spain also had very stringent lockdowns to help flatten the curve. A stir-crazy man from Spain disguised himself as a dog in an attempt to leave his apartment. People in the neighborhood were peering out their windows, freaking out, thinking that they were seeing some sort of corona-crazed bigfoot-bear hybrid monster. The man wasn’t arrested for leaving his home during lockdown, he was arrested for inciting panic. Well, at least he got to a new space with a different view, albeit through bars. 

A 19-year-old woman in Britain was using her newfound free time wisely(?) Don’t quote me on that last qualification. Anyway, she went through her contacts and made a list of all of her exes. She then called each and every one to ask them what went wrong in their relationship, and then shared this new information with her followers on social media. What went wrong? Umm, maybe you lost your mind? Just a guess.

Even though Americans haven’t been forced to stay home, that doesn’t keep them from doing some ridiculous things. I’ve read about and seen videos of people fighting over cases of water, hand sanitizer, and you guessed it…toilet paper. I’m talking about knock down, drag out fights. And who do you figure would punch somebody in the face over 16 ounces of hand sanitizer or 12 rolls of TP? Big biker guys, right? They fight over everything. Well, guess again! Not big burly biker guys, but housewives! Hair-pulling, nose-punching, nail-scratching, pugilistic housewives. And these fights always seem to happen at WalMart. Things that make you go hmm…

File under ‘Silly Social Media’

Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November; all the rest have thirty-one. Except for March, which hath 9,000.

The perfect quarantine schedule, afternoon to evening:
4:00 – Wallow in self pity
4:30 – Stare into the abyss
5:00 – Solve world hunger (tell no one)
5:30 – Jazzercise 
6:30 – Dinner w/ me (can’t cancel again)
7:00 – Wrestle with my self loathing

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex-boyfriend can’t watch it anymore, and it really doesn’t get any more perfect than during a national lockdown. 

In Australia, we had fires, then floods, and then this virus. On January 1, 2020, my husband said he knew that the day was going to be the start of something awesome. Next time he says anything like that, I’ll make some PSA’s so we can all prepare. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if, in nine months, some parents name their newborn kid Covid if it’s a boy and Corona if it’s a girl.

Isolation Menu:

Sunday: Steak

Monday: Burgers

Tuesday: Spaghetti

Wednesday: Ramen

Thursday: Creamed Corn

Friday: Roadkill du Jour

Saturday: Dried Grass & Clover

Day 1 of quarantine: I will use this time as an opportunity to take better care of myself.

Day 2 of quarantine: For personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower.

A doctor, a nurse, and an epidemiologist walk into a bar, and they said “GET OUT! GO HOME!”

A man and his 15-year-old son are having a talk in 2035:

Son: Hey dad, why did you name my sister Paris?

Father: Well, because we conceived her in Paris France.

Son: Oh, okay…thanks, dad.

Father: No problem, Quarantine.

Side effect of quarantine: it’s really hard to get off the phone. Twice today I said, “okay, I have to run” but then I remembered there’s nowhere to run to.

Due to the quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes. 

Me: Can I have fun?
2020: No
Me: OK

Costco priced an 82 inch Samsung TV for $1,200. I don’t think that was a coincidence.

Fast Funnies

I know a great joke about coronavirus…you probably won’t get it though.

A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says “I’ll have a Corona please, hold the virus”

If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife, and I die, I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me.

*Breaking News!* Apparently the first person in Boca Raton has died due to the coronavirus. In his house they found 1,000 cans of soup, 90 pounds of pasta, 80 pounds of rice, 300 rolls of toilet paper, and 50 gallons of hand sanitizer, all of which he had panic purchased from the supermarket to stockpile “just in case.” The “just in case” stockpile collapsed and buried him.

Day 3 without sports. Discovered a lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice enough. 

Since everybody has now started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.

The news said that a mask and gloves were good enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else had clothes on.

Before coronavirus, I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.

Definition of Irony – When the Year of the Rat starts with a plague.

People with a cold: “I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible.”
People with coronavirus: “I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower, and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago.”

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, that now when I pee, I clean the toilet.

2020 is a unique leap year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March, and 10 years in April.

Back in the day, the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled “last call!”

I think it’s really great that people are finally starting to drink water, wipe their asses, and wash their hands.

Ok, so if the coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?

To the people who bought 20 bottles of soap, leaving none on the shelves for others, you do realize that to stop the spread of coronavirus, you need other people washing their hands too. Duh!

Chinese doctors have confirmed the name of the first person to contract coronavirus. His name is Ah-Chu.

Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long…it was made in China.

To those who are complaining about the quarantine period and curfews, just remember that your grandparents were called to war… you are being called to the couch to Netflix and chill. You can do this.

How come the liquor stores don’t have empty shelves? Don’t people understand that they’ll be quarantined with their spouses and kids?

Mexico is asking Trump to hurry up and build the wall NOW!

Having trouble staying at home? Shave your eyebrows off.

Pet thoughts during isolation:
Dogs: “Oh my gosh, you’re here all day! This is the best: I can love you, see you, be with you, and follow you all day long! I am so excited because you are the greatest person, my person, and I love you so much!”
Cats: “What the hell are you still doing here?”

I don’t know why my fishing buddy is worried about coronavirus, he never catches anything.

Social distancing rule: “If you can smell their fart, move further apart.”

The coronavirus has achieved what no female has ever been able to achieve… It has cancelled sports, closed every bar, and kept all the guys at home!

The science community has figured out that the spread of coronavirus is based solely on two things. 
1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

I hope I made you laugh at least a few times. Be well, people. Don’t go corona crazy during your coronalation! Or your coronatine!